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Wednesday, March 18, 2009

Pantyhose Are Evil

I knew it!

The inventors of pantyhose are MEN! Allen Gant, Sr., and Glen Mills, men!

Only a man would invent something so uncomfortable for women to wear. Had they test driven a pair themselves; on a hot day in July, the results would be different. I guarantee!

Not only did they make something so itchy, scratchy and confining, they got women to buy into the idea wearing them is sexy. WTH! We’ve been hoodwinked, bamboozled, down right deceived!

Tina Turner was once the face, more accurately, the legs, of L’eggs Pantyhose. Their slogan was, “Nothing beats a great pair of legs.” No pantyhose on the planet can make your legs look like Tina’s, then or now!

Another thing … No matter what size you buy, once in a while you will get a pair that will stop mid-thigh. You can pull, stretch and do the pantyhose dance/hop, as much as you want. They won’t go any further. Being hot and a sweaty, or just damp from the shower, it’s the same affect. You might as well go bare legged.

I’ve tried to stop runs with finger nail polish and super glue. Twisting unsightly runs from the front to the back of my leg, only made me look twisted and ridiculous. After a few wears, pantyhose will lose their shape, and sag around my ankles looking like elephant legs. I’ve had to pull and tuck them under my feet, and stuff them and into my shoes.

The most creative thing I’ve done is make one pair of hose from two. Cut a right leg from one, and a left from the other, then put one on top of the other, makes a whole pair. My mother taught me that trick. Do you know how uncomfortable that is?

Women do all of these things and more for the sake of sexy?! Bah humbug.

The cost… I try to buy the cheapest pair at Wal-Mart, generally, Brown Sugar. They were $1.50. Recently, in a hurry, I stopped to grab a pair of hose. I’m looking for my brand, and kept seeing the wrong price. Right brand… wrong price. Dang-it. They had gone up to $2.50. I had to buy them. L’eggs, Hanes, Vasserette and other name brands are more than $2.50.

Department store prices start at $12. Can you believe that! Pantyhose for the price of dinner, that’s nonsense. In my lifetime, I’ve spent a boatload of money on pantyhose. Can I claim them on my taxes?

As a young girl, I couldn’t wait until I was old enough to wear panty hose. I wanted to make the swish sound when your thighs rub together, just like Ms. Brown at church. Now I’m not fond of that sound, AT ALL!

Nylon was first used as fishing line among other things, and Dupont once bragged, that this fiber was “as strong as steel, as fine as a spider’s web.” The same material that can hold a hundred pound fish, rips, runs and tears on a woman’s leg. Go figure.


Arian said...

Wow if this isn't true I don't know what is. I've found myself going bare-legged with pumps. The only time I wear pantyhose is if I'm going to an interview or a funneral!! So Amen to this blog....I hate panyhose!!!

Anonymous said...

OMG.... That was so funny, yet so true! I can only imagine the amount of money women spend on stockings in a year!

Native American Momma said...

If you HAVE to wear pantyhose I would suggest Danskin get the ones that are 32 bucks but let me tell you I had a 3 pairs last me 4 years no joke. I wore them at dance practice, at youth group and at dances and parties. I lived in them.

Kathy said...

OMG, you've covered everything. Best pantyhose rant I ever read! I hate spending even five bucks on a pair, especially since they don't last long, so nevermind $12.

Chaotically Calm said...

LMAO, so I wrote a similar post a while back about panthose after getting an unsightly run in the office. It boggles the mind that something that's "strong as nails" can't withstand a little tug tug shake shake.

Jayden Vasara said...

lol...i hate pantyhose. awful, uncomfortable and they make you feel fat no matter what you weigh. i can definitely believe they were invented by a man!

Yira said...

I'm still laughing at this's so true and ever since I realized how much I dislike wearing hoses I complained that a man must have invented them...LOL. I gave those things up long ago. I wore a pair the other day because I was going to a party with a pretty long dress and wanted get that "slim, shapely look" well those things were gone within the hour...I think I'll just wear pant suits if I have to dress nice for a job or something :-)Great post.

SpinDiva said...

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Yira aka SpinDiva

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