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Monday, February 6, 2012

Panty Hose Are Still Evil

I absolutely HATE panty hose! When possible, I try to avoid wearing them at all cost. But then there are times when I just can't get around it, like yesterday! Three years ago I wrote Panty Hose Are Evil.

I was wearing a winter white skirt suit, one of those suits that "require" panty hose. Plus, the formalities of why I was wearing the suit, paired with winter still... you understand.

Remembering I didn't get hose, I ran to WalMart to pick up a pair of sheer, oatmeal. The reason for my disdain goes far beyond the itchy and scratchy. I can never get a pair to fit! They're always too short, too long, or something! I am 5'2 and one half inch, one hundred and fifty something pounds, and currently wearing a size ten/twelvish. I fall in the size 2 range, on the panty hose chart. Due to experience and to be safe, I buy a size three.

I gingerly pull the hose out of the bag, and they look a little short. Trying my best to make it to Sunday School, I dismiss it, and precede to put them on. Starting at the toes, like my mother showed me... I put one foot in, then the other, easing the panty hose up. They stop at the top of my thighs. Are you kidding me???

I take the hose off, and give them a stretch, trying to lengthen them. Starting over, I put them on again, the very same way. This time they just barely make it all the way up... and the crouch is still between my legs. Refusing to take them off again, I start lunging, and POW! The seat of the hose popped like a fire cracker, sending runs down the left leg.

On our way to church, I had to stop by WalMart, again. This time I was going to make sure they were big enough. I bought QUEEN SIZE. There were thousands of people (exaggeration, but there were a lot), and the lines were long! I put the new hose on after getting to church (I missed Sunday School). They fit.

By the time church was over, the queen size panty hose had given up on me. I had elephant legs. When I was a little girl, I couldn't wait to wear panty hose. Now, I feel like panty hose are a punishment.

What have been your experience with the evil ones?


Kathy said...

I am truly laughing out loud!

Krystal Grant said...

Lawd have mercy! I can't believe my friend went out looking like this. This is so sad. Go to JCPenney or Dillards and buy yourself a pair of Hanes Silk Reflections. They are expensive, but wonderful. These are the hose that Tina Turner wears. And you know she has some fabulous legs. I wear them all the time. I even wear them under jeans. I love, love them. The only think I don't like about summer weather is it's too hot to wear my Silk Reflections! Try them. (preacher's wives can't have elephant legs!)

Kenya G. Johnson said...

You know what I JUST realized? I don't wear pantyhose anymore because I don't have have the skirts that require them ;-) When did bare legs become acceptable? I know my grandmothers on up would be appalled. No slip, no pantyhose, wearing pants to church! Oh my! I drives me nuts enough to wear knee highs with pants which I only do in our "so called" Winter. Whoever designed knee must have had baseball bat legs. My calves are big and knee highs and my circulation don't get along.

La'Tonya Richardson said...

Kathy - But I am sooo serious!

Krystal - I try to steer clear of expensive panty hose. I seem to have this knack of ruining them! But you have given me an idea to do a pantihose experiment... video of course!

Kenya - LOL!!! I'm wearing knee hi's right now! I bought queen size for me and my girls, because they were cutting off our circulation. You are so right, our grandmothers on would be horrisprised by going bare legged, not wearing slips (hate those too, and pants to church.

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