Pantyhose Are Evil

I knew it!

The inventors of pantyhose are MEN! Allen Gant, Sr., and Glen Mills, men!

Only a man would invent something so uncomfortable for women to wear. Had they test driven a pair themselves; on a hot day in July, the results would be different. I guarantee!

Not only did they make something so itchy, scratchy and confining, they got women to buy into the idea wearing them is sexy. WTH! We’ve been hoodwinked, bamboozled, down right deceived!

Tina Turner was once the face, more accurately, the legs, of L’eggs Pantyhose. Their slogan was, “Nothing beats a great pair of legs.” No pantyhose on the planet can make your legs look like Tina’s, then or now!

Another thing … No matter what size you buy, once in a while you will get a pair that will stop mid-thigh. You can pull, stretch and do the pantyhose dance/hop, as much as you want. They won’t go any further. Being hot and a sweaty, or just damp from the shower, it’s the same affect. You might as well go bare legged.

I’ve tried to stop runs with finger nail polish and super glue. Twisting unsightly runs from the front to the back of my leg, only made me look twisted and ridiculous. After a few wears, pantyhose will lose their shape, and sag around my ankles looking like elephant legs. I’ve had to pull and tuck them under my feet, and stuff them and into my shoes.

The most creative thing I’ve done is make one pair of hose from two. Cut a right leg from one, and a left from the other, then put one on top of the other, makes a whole pair. My mother taught me that trick. Do you know how uncomfortable that is?

Women do all of these things and more for the sake of sexy?! Bah humbug.

The cost… I try to buy the cheapest pair at Wal-Mart, generally, Brown Sugar. They were $1.50. Recently, in a hurry, I stopped to grab a pair of hose. I’m looking for my brand, and kept seeing the wrong price. Right brand… wrong price. Dang-it. They had gone up to $2.50. I had to buy them. L’eggs, Hanes, Vasserette and other name brands are more than $2.50.

Department store prices start at $12. Can you believe that! Pantyhose for the price of dinner, that’s nonsense. In my lifetime, I’ve spent a boatload of money on pantyhose. Can I claim them on my taxes?

As a young girl, I couldn’t wait until I was old enough to wear panty hose. I wanted to make the swish sound when your thighs rub together, just like Ms. Brown at church. Now I’m not fond of that sound, AT ALL!

Nylon was first used as fishing line among other things, and Dupont once bragged, that this fiber was “as strong as steel, as fine as a spider’s web.” The same material that can hold a hundred pound fish, rips, runs and tears on a woman’s leg. Go figure.

Okay, Who's Eating The Socks???

Lately, I’ve found myself pondering life’s more difficult questions. What is my purpose in life? The most burning question, where in the hell are all the socks going?

With seven people in our family, we, no, I wash a lot of clothes. (That’s another blog for another day.)

When I put clothes in the washer and dryer, generally, they come out. My son’s jeans, the girl’s school uniforms, and my husband’s work clothes, all go in and come out, successfully. Even under shirts, panties and bras go in, and come out. When it comes to socks, something or someone is happening to them. I’m serious, there has to be a sock thief, fairy or some other explanation.

A load of white clothes are sorted and put in the wash, with a full cup of Tide powder, and a softener ball of Snuggle Softener. After washing, rinsing and spinning, the load is then transferred from the washer to the dryer. The two are side by side. There is no traveling across the room, or out of the laundry room to a second location. I’ve learned from all my hours of watching CSI Miami, Law and Order, and Without A Trace that leaving the first location, (crime scene) most likely leads to death.

Once in the dryer, two Gain joyful expressions dryer sheets are added to the load. The timer is set for 80 minutes. All the clothes come out of the dryer, nice and warm, smelling fresh and clean. They are then transported to the den, the second location, for folding. Clothes are folded, and stacked in individual piles. No matter how many times this ritual is performed, the outcome is the same. At least five socks are left without a mate! How in the hell does that happen?

Now we have a basket full of mixed-matched socks of all types crew, ankle, three quarter, along with tube, athletic, dress, footie and thermal socks. Name brands range from Hanes to Starter, Fruit of the Loom and every thing in between. Once in a long while, we bring out the basket and try to mate the socks in that basket. The basket remains half full!

So what do we do with the mixed-matched socks? Glad you asked.

With all the socks that are missing a mate, the kid’s sock supply gets a little low. When in need of socks they go to “The Sock Basket,” retrieve, and wear a pair of mixed-matched socks. If you were to raise one of my children’s pants leg, at least two days a week, you may find them wearing an ankle sock with a crew sock, or any other combination.

So why don’t we just throw out the basket of mix-matched socks, and buy more? Then what would my kids wear???

Help - My Hair Is Mad!!!

My bad hair day lapsed into a bad hair week, and now it’s just mad as hell. Now I don’t know what to do with it.

I’d cut it all off and start over if my husband wouldn’t complain. A few years ago, I was preparing for knee surgery. Didn’t know what to expect, so I prepared for the worse. Doing so, I got my haircut… all off! My son literally had more hair than I did. I didn’t even need a brush. It actually looked good. I wore make up and earrings at all times, rocking it. My husband on the other hand, was not a fan of the baldhead. He said I looked like a little boy from behind, and that wasn’t cool.

Getting a touchup after scratching your scalp is a not a good idea, ever! It will set your soul on fire, and leave your scalp seriously scarred. I’ve gotten by all week with bad hair. What I’m going to do with this mad hair tomorrow is a mystery. Tonight I will pray for a miracle!

What's your bad hair story? I'd love to know. Click on comments below, and share your bad hair story.

What Not To Wear

Going shopping for a simple pair of jeans can turn into a chore, and a clash of the times!

On one end of the spectrum, jeans are either low rise and or skinny (what we used to call straight leg). I’m 40 years old, (but look 26), the mother of five children, with have an ample behind. I have no business showing my butt crack in a pair of low-rise jeans. They were NOT made for women with any booty! And the last time I was in a pair of straight leg jeans, I was in Jr. High. And I’m going to leave it that way! Wearing a pair of either one of those jeans makes me a candidate for “What Not To Wear!”

On the other end of the jean spectrum, are the ones sporting an elastic waistband. Again, I’m only 40, (but look 26), and I’m not ready for the granny jeans. I’d love to find a pair of jeans that fit great, can be worn in any era, and outlast the latest trends.
All of the trendy jeans are cute. They fit, and I’d surely look very stylish in them. I simply refuse to dress like my 19-year-old daughter’s twinkie. Style, and flare is what I’m looking, for not my daughter’s clothes, and surely not “The MOM” jean.